My life as a Mum to an angel

Archive for March, 2011

Life after life

I am feeling this morning like I want to write about my opinions on what happens to us after we die. Since losing our son Terence I have surrounded much of my online time with people in similar situations. They tend to consist of people, mainly women, who have suffered the loss of a child in some way or another. I felt comfort in knowing we were not alone in our situation.

It is quite amazing that despite friends and family rallying around, doing the only things they can think of to do, you are filled with this deep emptiness and loneliness. In some ways I even felt lonely when it came to my husband, because his expression of grief is so radically different from mine. We each allow each other to express it in whichever way we feel is necessary, even though I was left with no kitchen chairs. ( Thank you Paul and Terry for the seemingly long term replacements) So I surround myself with these other baby loss mamas as we call ourselves.

Anyway, I see a lot of these BLM’s have a strong faith in God. I have never been an especially religious person despite the fact that my maternal grandfather was a captain in the salvation army and we went to Sunday school every week, and the strong religious undertones in school assemblies (remember back in the days when religion was in schools and we couldn’t care less if people got offended?)

I have always seemed to find it easier to believe the explanations that the scientific community has given us, which has also been compounded by my choice in reading material even if some of it is purely fiction. I always seemed to be more spiritually open to those theories. (I’m sure my grandad is turning in his grave) I read books like The hitchhikers guide to the galaxy and Terry Pratchett novels. The most interesting of which, to me, was Terry’s collaborations with scientists Ian Stewart and Jack Cohen on the “science of Discworld” series.

A trilogy as you can see, it explores our world from the scientific point of view without being too boring or overwhelming (although there were parts I had to read over again just to make sure I understood them) with interjections of comedic humour from the story of the wizards of Discworld’s unseen university to lighten the book for the scientifically challenged like myself. I found the books to be very enlightening, and challenging to myself and to the world as we understand it. Also let me say that I do like to get different perspectives on things. I know and understand that every story has multiple facets and a person can only really make a true informed decision if they have information from all of those facets. In my line of work we call this “informed consent”, so I am also trying to (slowly I admit) read the “Left behind” series of books. Just to get that side of the story.

Now, before I get stuck into my theory on what happens after we die, don’t for one minute think that I am denying the existence of God or some sort of higher power or whatever it is you choose to believe. I am yet to really draw any kind of conclusion on that and really feel a bit strange saying that the majority of the world’s population is wrong or somehow under some sort of mass delusion. Far from it. I am in absolutely no position to make that claim and I am open to the idea that my theory is possibly just part of “God’s plan” or whatever you’d call it, but I am fairly certain that I believe what I believe, and if I am wrong and there is a heaven and hell, can I really be condemned for using the intelligence I have and drawing my own conclusions when nature or God gave me the ability to do that?

OK, here goes.

We know that the human body is run by the brain which consists of lots of electrical impulses going off here and there causing our thoughts, reactions, emotions, mood actions, movements etc etc, and these little electrical impulses travel all over our body via nerves. For the sake of this explaination I will call this “energy” With me so far?

OK, we also know that, pretty much everything around us has some kind of energy flowing through it with atoms and what have you. Right?

We also know that electricity which powers our lights and TV’s has to travel on a circuit, basically even when we’re done with it making our light bulb glow it doesn’t simply cease to exist,, it has to go somewhere, either to the ground or wherever. Right?

So my theory is that the “energy” that powers us is the same. It doesn’t simply cease to exist, it goes “to ground” or into the world that surrounds us and is then available to travel through just about anything that consists of atoms etc. or similar “energy” to us, and after we die, there is no distinction between our energies, we all simply become a part of the mass of energy flowing through the earth and everything on it. Make sense? It certainly does to me and I receive great comfort in believing that Terence’s energy or even just part of it is able to flow through something around us at any time, keeping him close somehow. I also feel comfort that  our energies will be combined once more when I die and we can zip through things as one.

I also feel that this is how Kylie (my youngest step-daughter) was visited by a hummingbird that flew directly in front of her face shortly after Terence passed, and Kimberley (my eldest step-daughter) had the same experience with a dragonfly which even landed on her finger just a few days later. When I asked the “Did you feel like it was Terence letting you know he was ok?” Both replied “YES” and I, armed with my theory on the afterlife, wholeheartedly believe them. I had the same thing with flies!!

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Japan and me

It may seem a little odd but today I really felt a strange familiarity with something the recent earthquake and tsunami left with some survivors with.

Whilst at work, I was watching some day time show on the TV in the staff lounge. I usually don’t concern myself with such shows but this one is usually chattering away in the background at work. The reason it especially caught my attention today was an interview with Petra Nemkova.

Now I have never heard of Petra Nemkova before today (Sorry Petra) and apparently she is a model and TV show host. This is not what caught my attention. What did was that she survived the tsunami in Thailand in December 2004 by climbing a tree. She described how while she was clinging to that tree she watched her then-fiancé, photographer Simon Atlee, get washed away by the water, along with many other people and her feeling of complete inability to do anything about it.

During the 2004 Indian Ocean earthquake, Němcová was at the Khao Lak resort in Thailand with her main photographer and boyfriend, Simon Atlee, when the tsunami struck where they were staying. Initially, Atlee was presumed missing, but his body was found and identified on 3 March 2005, on the shores of Sumatra (near the epicenter of the earthquake that caused the tsunami).

Atlee had drowned, and Němcová suffered a broken pelvis and serious internal injuries, but she managed to hold onto the top of a palm tree, reportedly for eight hours, until she was rescued by Thai civilians and airlifted to an inland hospital nearby. Němcová spent three weeks in a Thai hospital, and then flew home to the Czech Republic, where she spent an additional three weeks in the hospital.

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

So now the question remains, why would I feel a sense of familiarity with her and the Japanese people? Well I am sure that there were many people in Japan recently who had a very similar experience to Miss Nemkova. She had a great deal of guilt about not being able to help those around her whose fate was inevitably death from the events around her. I can totally relate to her feeling of helplessness. I had exactly the same feelings when my son was in hospital slowly dying from meningitis. I had an overwhelming feeling of not being able to do anything to help him or make him feel any better. Hell, neither the doctor or I knew what was wrong until a couple of hours before he lost his fight against it. So I can so completely relate to that feeling and it gave me a real pause for thought. I suppose we can all have similar feelings in many different situations, despite the vast array of emotions humans have.

I really wanted to put the video on here of her interview but couldn’t figure it out…practice practice practice!!

Short fuse??

I am not sure if it’s true or not. I think sometimes it’s a natural progression when there is a lot of change in a person’s life, but I feel like I  have a very short fuse these days. I have also noticed that I react very explosively to stressful events in my life and feel very overwhelmed very quickly by seemingly huge lists of what turn out to be simple things.

First of all, I had to make the adjustment to having a baby in my life. I felt I was adjusting well and actually lots better at it than I ever thought I would be. Then suddenly in July 2009 that all changed again when Terence passed. That change was extremely hard to deal with (understandably so) and I still deal with it every day.

Secondly, my boss quit at work, she was a good boss but work demanded too much of her and she made a decision to be nearer to her family. I am very happy for her to have made that move even though I miss her friendship. After floating around on the ocean of no direction, work finally hired a new boss last June. He is very dynamic and wants to make our department very efficient. We have always had a way of working, that was used when the facility was much smaller than it is now and we bumbled through with teamwork, but we have gone so much further beyond that and our new boss doesn’t want us to work like that anymore. So much fell back on us as a department and he says he wants change in other departments to carry their own weight and responsibilities. Not an easy task and it is being met with much stubbornness.  Within the department things are tense and morale appears to be as low as I’ve ever seen it. He sets new rules and sticks to them in order to create a fairer work environment, while old habits of favoritism continue and make others quite frankly pissed off!!

All this change happening makes for a very tumultuous existence for me, and seeing as I spend the majority of my waking hours at work, they see the worst of my short fuse. Then when I get home my poor husband sees the aftermath. I am sorry to him for that, but he is my best friend so who am I going to vent to? him. He wants to solve the problems for me, then that gets me in trouble at work, virtually castrating him from protecting me. (He has a very strong instinct for that)

I so wish I had control over this fuse that I have these days. Would a change of job help? I doubt it, it would be a matter of time before it all started again with different faces in different places. So, do I go and see a doctor and see if there’s some kind of magic pill I can take or something? I really would rather not do that. I’m not really suicidal or homicidal, and I worry about getting onto those kind of medications and never being able to get off them. So what next? Maybe this too shall pass. Perhaps time will heal things and the chaos at work will settle down enough so that I am able to enjoy going to work each day instead of wondering what crap is going to hit me in the face that day. Oh or perhaps a vacation…Hmmmmm All I know is that it had better hurry up and settle soon before I get fired lol

It’s all about me!

Well, here goes. So do I start my story from the day my mum gave birth to me? I suppose that’s where it all started but I don’t remember that or the couple of years that followed, so not much of an interesting read there. I could probably cover it with some basic information about me.

  • I was born in England
  • I moved to California
  • I am married to a Canadian
  • I am an RN in England but not in the USA
  • I work as an Operating Room Technician
  • I have had 3 miscarriages
  • My only child died from Bacterial Meningitis in 2009
  • I have 5 step-daughters
  • I have 2 dogs and 2 beta fish

The real reason for me starting to blog is that our son died of bacterial meningitis at 8 months old. I really don’t see life the same anymore. I am a changed person because of that one pivotal event in my life and there is no going back to who I used to be. Therefore, I think part of this is getting to know who I am now.

It’ll be 2 years in July since he died, and I’m sure I’ll blog about that whole event at some point. I’m really just going to let the words flow out I suppose whenever they have the urge to be put into black and white. Even this far along from that fateful day, and that alone used to terrify me, time passing away from the last time I held him, I find that grief encapsulates me and has such a strong hold on me that I cannot imagine feeling any other way ever again.

So as I said, I have to get to know this grief encapsulated person that I have become, and hopefully find a way to learn to live with her and maybe even gain some control over her again like I had before.

There is much more to tell because as I said my story is long-winded but this is a good start and has the basics down. Seems like a good beginning to me.

New to blogging

Although I have dipped my toes in blogging before on my MySpace account (which I don’t use anymore due to the immaturity on there) I’m still not quite sure what it involves. I have read other people’s blogs and it seems to just be like a journal of your thoughts and experiences. Here is where I fall short. I’ve never really been one to keep a diary or journal but recently have found myself wanting to write down the ideas and ( sometimes strange) things that pop into my head. I came to the conclusion that this is the thing I should probably be doing seeing as I frequently forget the ( sometimes) amazing things that run through my head. As egotistical as it may seem, I think my story may be quite interesting to someone, and who knows there’s probably someone who has had similar experiences or ideas.

I will tell my story in the next section of my blog, at least get started on it because it is rather long-winded and if anyone was to actually read this then I would hate to bore them away or give them information overload.

So, here goes into another area of my life long computer experience. Telling my tale and sharing my (sometimes strange) things….Please feel free to enjoy.

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